Epiphany
by The Cheshire Cheese
Summary: Left behind at camp, Steven the lizard contemplates his newly expanded intelligence. (Oneshot, stream-of-consciousness. Best read when intoxicated.)


**A/N: I don't own "Your Highness." I am also probably buzzed as I type this.**

* * *

I cannot with absolute certainty explain the origin of my rise in intelligence. One day I was but an ordinary lizard, the next moment, a being more intelligent than many of the wisest wizards. I might point a scaly finger at such a wizard, as the culprit behind my sudden epiphany. Else-wise I might blame it on the Dwarfian hush puppies Thadeous fed me the day before. And then again, perhaps no one is to blame; perhaps this is simply the way that evolution is meant to work; a single individual creature has a random bound forward up the evolutionary scale, and a new breed of intelligence is born.

Whatever the cause, be it a magician's spell or unusual genes, I ceased to be an ordinary lizard that day. It occurred when I was in the carriage with Thadeous and Courtney, his man-servant, setting out on our first ever quest. Thadeous was smoking a fine herb in his pipe, and I was sharing the smoke with him in the confinement of the carriage. The more I inhaled, the more my mind wheeled and raced, until suddenly, I found myself thinking and knowing things that I would certainly not have a couple of hours before. I knew, now, that Thadeous was my master, and I was to server him loyally, as Simon the mechanical bird served his brother Fabious. I knew that we were on our way to rescue Belladonna, the lovely brunette woman who had been betrothed to Fabious, and snatched away by the evil wizard Leezar. I felt proud, I recall, and looked forward to helping in the quest, though I couldn't imagine what I might do.

I should not have been surprised to find my role in the adventure to be a small one. Forgotten on the roadside, sitting on my cushion, I watched as the two princes and the servant fled the camp, pursued by a band of villains led by a dickless traitor.

What could I do for the next half a month, but sit on that cushion, alone in the forest, fending for myself and contemplating my role in the universe? What was I? What was my purpose? I had been brought into this world-or at least brought into the Castle Morn-to serve Thadeous, and now he had cast me aside. Still though my body was, my mind doth wondered.

At some moments, literally...

...I found my consciousness exiting my physical, scaly, shell, and floating across the lands. I marveled in awe at the landscapes of Morn, the forests and mountains, the wide rivers and humble villages, the grand palaces and dark labyrinths. My mind circumnavigated the globe, watching wizards and princesses in far away lands, creating inventions and fighting battles and using the outhouse. I mentally soared across the Great Wall of Mula'Dor, and the pyramids of G'hathro'oll. I exited the very sphere and entered outer space, soaring amongst the stars, delving into the clouds and rings of gas giants, through the ice mountains of dwarf planets, and into the fires of the sun.

I observed with amusement as Thadeous, Courtney and Fabious made new friends and explored new lands. I watched in horror as my master and his brother battled monsters and fought treacherous enemies, powerless to lend them my aid, thousands of miles away on a pillow in the forest.

Powerless.

T'was naught I could do, but observe. I thought perhaps, if I watched my companions on this adventure, I might become better suited to aid them in future ones, being more familiar with their strengths and weaknesses. I could give Thadeous pointers on where he needed to improve, and which people he needed to be wary of.

People.

People, my good reader, are endlessly fascinating. Oh perhaps this is just the whimsy of a young and dewy-eyed lizard, but I do believe people to be the most perplexing mystery in the cosmos-particularly in the matters of true love.

I wondered at the romantic choices of the two brothers. Thadeous was falling for Isabel the warrior, while Fabious was endlessly devoted to Belladonna. An odd pair-up when one thought of it. Fabious and Isabel, both noble warriors, might seem a more logical pair. And Thadeous and Belladonna, both docile and indoor people, might also be a smart match. Belladonna's tolerance of all people and reserve of judgement might make her the only person one might expect to be with Thadeous. True, Fabious had met Belladonna first, leaving Isabel and Thadeous to hook up. But still, I half-expected the brothers to switch lovers at some point.

In time however, it dawned to me that the pairings were perfect as they were. For while it was true that Isabel was like Fabious and Belladonna like Thadeous in _lifestyle_, they were not at all alike in personality. Fabious was a gentleman and Belladonna a lady. Isabel was no lady; she craved blood baths and carried a raging temperament. Thadeous was vulgar and quick to tantrums as well. Certainly, he and Isabel could better understand and tolerate each other. Fabious and Isablel might be brother and sister in arms, and that is surely all they'd ever need to be. And Belladonna and Thadeous might look to each other as a docile younger sister and vulgar older brother.

Good matches, indeed.

And what of me? What of Steven? Where was Stephen's brother? Simon, Fabious's animal companion. Smashed by villains, reforged by a troll. T'was Simon who helped Fabious track me, to rescue me and return me to Thadeous. I held high hopes that Thadeous would be pleased to see my return. (He wasn't.) As I sat beside my masturbating master, I contemplated again how I might aid him in his next quest. Assuming such a quest would even come to be.

And then, she appeared. Isabel revealed her secret, forcing Thadeous back into the fray for another quest.

Finally, at last, a chance for me to prove myself!

"When shall we leave?" Thadeous said to his love.

"At once!" Isabel declared.

They gathered their weapons, and left at that moment.

Leaving me on the nightstand, next to Thadeous's expensive oils and pictures of naked elf women.

Even now as I speak to you dear reader, I feel my powers waning. My ability to streak my mind and follow my master into the wilds is weakened. I cannot fly from my fleshy scaly shell. I am trapped in this sack of meat, on this prison of a nightstand.

But wait, there is one other thing on the table, right next to me...

...ah yes.

Thadeous's pipe.

Perhaps, all I need to strenghen my powers, is another puff!

...

...

...

...yessss...that hits the spot.

I see them now. Thadeous and Isabel have crossed the bridge of Dora'haul and are boarding a ship for the Isla de Morticia. I think fate is in their favor, for I see that the planets are aligned almost perfectly.

**_FIN._ **


End file.
